Sunday, February 13, 2005

Dear People Who Don’t Have Anybody to Love on Valentine’s Day

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Dear People Who Don’t Have Anybody to Love on Valentine’s Day,

Valentine’s Day is that time of year when you profess your love to someone very special in your life. Usually people do this in very generic ways by giving flowers, candy, going out on romantic dinners. Occasionally you’ll find a couple that does something that takes effort and planning, like taking a ride on a Hot Air Balloon or preparing a bubble bath. But what about the people who don’t have anybody to love (or rather, the people who aren’t loved)? What are they suppose to do on Valentine’s Day? Well, I have a few suggestions.
  1. Video Games - Playing video games is a great way to make you forget how lonely you are. I prefer Halo 2, but I’m sure there are other comforting games. If you have Xbox Live, or any other online gaming thingy, you can easily make friends and have somebody to talk to on this lonely of lonely days. Just don’t become too close to any of them because they’re all a bunch of zit covered losers.
  2. Visit a Drive-Thru Window - If you have nobody to talk to you, go to the drive-thru window of a McDonald’s or Burger King. The people who work there are always willing to chat it up. Sure, you might have to buy a hamburger, but once that’s done you can chat them up with all sorts of small talk that will make you feel less lonely. Note: If they tell you to leave, just ask them for some ketchup, and then you can try to continue the conversation.
  3. Prostitutes - Prostitutes are a good way to feel less lonely because they give you something that no relationship can give you: no-strings-attached sex. Of course, you do have to pay an upfront fee for their service, but this is no different than joining a Fraternity, Health Club, or a membership at Costco.
  4. Hobos - Every city has them. Everybody thinks they’re crazy, drug addicted or down right smelly (usually true). Nobody seems to realize that every bum contains one nugget of wisdom that they’re willing to share with anybody who is willing to give them the time of day. Talk to these lonely souls and learn something!
  5. Family - If all else fails and you have absolutely nobody to spend you time with on Valentine’s Day, then go see your family. I know this sucks, but it’s better than staring at a wall all day feeling sorry for yourself.
Love, Slippy Jenkins
Pole Dancer/Net Romancer